Sorry, I don't speak sober.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
