just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize