Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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