I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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