its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
