some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Its about making memories worth repressing
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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