god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
