I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
