I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
