Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
