My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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