umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
