Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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