had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
