my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
