I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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