Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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