drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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