I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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