How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
