Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
