Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
