i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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