I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
