I understand Curling. That high.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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