I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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