so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize