Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
you made out with another girl for some wings
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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