Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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