Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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