Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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