I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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