The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
