I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Im part way to drunk.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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