You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
