i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
