I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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