1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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