theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just found puke in my bra..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
