tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
