nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i think i just lost a toe
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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