last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
