if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
