I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
