Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
