I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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