i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
