The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
