Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
3 2 1 whiskey
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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