Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
