I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
