I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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