so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
