I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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